Wednesday, July 15, 2009
A Bit of IMPOSSIBLE: Solomon's Key
HOW MANY BITS MERCER? 0/8 bits.
This is pretty much the worst game ever. The only reason I'm covering it is for nostalgia's sake; the nostalgia of hurling, and breaking 1,453,568,345,460 controllers in frustration of this game.
Some of the things that you have to overcome: The main character's SUCKY amount of life, constantly changing puzzles, countdown timers, ENDLESS spawning of enemies, and limited weaponry. Basically, this is a complete equation for how to make a game impossible.
On occasion there are secret levels or items, I assume these are supposed to make the game more "exciting" or "interesting" but this is ruined by the fact that they are impossible to find.
Basically, the main character Dana (who looks like a very effeminate elf, appropriately), is the savior of the world, and is trying to eliminate demons from the world by running through rooms of puzzles. There are 64 levels, all in all, but 15 are hidden; so in truth, there are only 49. Dana runs through these rooms along orange blocks, which he can destroy, and recreate (sometimes) and hopefully get to the end. There are 12 groups of 4 rooms. These are in the theme of the Zodiac. Why you may ask? I have absolutely no idea. It doesn't make sense, similarly to most of this game. The final level is Solomon's room, which is just as uneventful as the rest of the game.
Maybe I am reviewing this game vindictively because of the fact that I hated it so much. Maybe I am making this post shorter than the rest, because I'm trying to give it less credit, or space than it should be granted. Or, maybe I'm intelligent, and I realize that this is a complete crock of shit that should never have been created, and that there is really nothing to write about it.
To this day, any time I see an orange cube, I feel filled with rage. I'm sure you feel the same.